Mental Health Series #6
After my diagnoses were confirmed I was told to see a psychiatrist to get a medication action plan in place. Apparently the medication I was on for anxiety could increase the hypomania. It would have to be a delicate balance.
Now anyone that has sought out medicines for mental health knows how hard and taxing it is to find the right ones and then even the right doses. Paxil was working decently well for my anxiety. The anxiety fueled nightmares have stopped and I've caught myself here and there starting conversations with strangers (GASP!).
Unfortunately, yet again we hit the insurance wall. That high deductible would have to be met. We had money set aside to help with it any costs from the deductible but it is earmarked for my youngest kiddos allergy testing.
I had already made up my mind about the mood stabilizers for bipolar disorder. I had no desire to try them. I still don't want to pursue that option at this time. I did at the very least call my family doctor to discuss how he felt about managing my medications. He prescribed me medication to help with the ADHD under the guise that I watch carefully that it doesn't make my hypomania worse. I was told to be mindful of eating as my appetite might plummet. I was also instructed, again to seek out a psychiatrist. Even if it was for three visits- the initial evaluation, a treatment plan visit and a med check visit. My family doctor then agreed to help manage my medicines from there.
I'll be completely honest here. I called my insurance that week and they emailed me a list of providers to call that may be accepting new patients. (In my area it is HARD to get in anywhere as a new patient. The need is very high and the amount of practices are low thanks to little to no funding and affordability.) That is is sitting in my email inbox. I haven't even opened it, yet alone tried to call anyone. I don't know what's stopping me. The time that needs to be set aside, time I could be spending with my family- the cost, money better spent on activities for my children- the stigma, that I would have a psychologist and a psychiatrist as part of my newfound medical team.
Some days I feel trapped behind these feelings and to-do lists. Some days I feel that, although I see that I need the help that is being given to me, I would much rather direct it at someone that might need it more. It feels selfish to focus so much on myself when I have this family to care for. I know my family won't be healthy if I am not healthy, but you can't erase that guilt over night.