Mental Health Series #7
Everything on my diagnosis list is hereditary. I could care less that that means that I inherited this from my mother and father. I am scared to DEATH what this means for my children. Before all this erupted in my life my whole family used to joke how my youngest is my mini me. Looks, personality... everything. I can predict what he is going to do and say before he even knows it.
Every morning I wake up feeling guilty that he might just struggle like me. I did this to him. The guilt gets even worse when I remember how long into the pregnancy it took for me to feel connected to him and love him the way I loved our first. You see, my youngest was a complete accident. Here I was staring at a positive pregnancy test and a 6 month old baby. I was still recovering from his birth. He was an easy baby but my husband was struggling with postparental depression (something we learned men get as well), and i was struggling to manage it all. I went for the checkups and was told all the bad news. Your body wasn't ready for another pregnancy yet. His chances of being born early, even earlier than your first (our oldest was born a month premature) is very high. You are automatically considered high risk. This meant even more appointments, more frustration, more reasons to wish I had waited to get pregnant again. Finally around 7 months pregnant, I accepted how our life was changing. Things were getting exciting and we were happy to soon be a family of 4.
I will never forgive myself for the bad vibes I sent my youngest those first 7 months. I remember the day he was born, Valentines Day. My first words to him were "Oh my God, I already love him so much." I was genuinely in shock with how deep a connection I already had with him.
He's still my momma's boy. He's still just like me. Everyday I spend watching his every move. Analyzing his moods, trying to help him through his anxiety I can already see emerging from his personality. If I can instill the right coping mechanisms now, maybe he can have a better grasp on things than I had growing up.